I'm sensing a downward trend, here

I don't read my own posts: I just edit as I write them, post them, and then they become the intellectual property of the Internet for everyone else (note: the 3 people who read this) to consume. However, in seeing the titles of my last few posts, I'm realizing there's a negative trend of what I write about. It's very typical of me. I kept journals in high school on and off, and if a stranger were to read them, they'd think "crap this chick is depressed". However, whenever I recount my time in high school, it's always with incredible memories and vivid recollections of how much I discovered who I am (at least back then). But - the majority of the time I'd write in my journal, it would be when I was depressed about something: some boy who didn't like me, people who made fun of me when I gained weight from steroids and Crohn's Disease... there were a few choice entries of "ooh so and so is such a good/bad friend". I hadn't seen my journals from high school in a long time: they were boxed up at my Dad's apartment for over 4 years and I finally retrieved them this past April when visiting Florida.

So now, I get in bed, take advantage of a wireless laptop and a wireless internet connection, and what comes to mind to write about? All the reasons that I'm depressed. Ok not clinically "I need prozac" depressed (been there, done that), but depressed as in "I better start eating healthy and exercising". I've got so much to be thankful for, but constantly struggle with what my purpose is, as least for the near future. Since June 2003 I haven't held a full-time job. I've looked, though not that hard, because after a really ugly experience at a record label I vowed not to take a job unless my heart was in it. I have had a few other quasi-full time jobs since then, but my heart hasn't been in it each time. I have even started to feel a distance with friends: it's so hard to talk to them about work and I feel so stupid that I don't have anything to share on that front. I know that music and writing are where my heart is, but it's taken me this long to figure out how to make money at doing what I love. I'm still trying to figure it out. I know the things that I can write about that could fill a book, but they are so personal that even seeing the words on a page (or a computer screen) freaks me out a bit.

Though there are no real rules about blogging, I think one of them should be that posts can't be too long. Otherwise it's not really a post. It becomes an article of sorts. I'm going to quit while I'm ahead and see if my next post will have me in a better mood and better spirits.